The Road to Nowhere

Patient #3402 Journal Entries
Rachel Stevens Personal Diaries

August 25, 08

The doctors finally felt compelled to transfer me today. Apparently being nuts is enough for them to lock you away, but lack of staffing professionals is enough for them to move thier less active patients to the lower security ward. Apparently, I got first dibs. I can’t complain though – yet I am sure it’s just thier attempts to expose me to dangerous circumstances or get me killed but, I’m still alive. For over a year I’ve been in that room alone, isolated, stared at from between an inch thick square of plexi-glass. I thought I’d never get out of that room – but even still, I felt safe in there. Familiarity breed comfort I suppose.

This new “cell” is totally different than the one I had been in upstairs. I’ve got a real mattress, a bunk bed but it’s soft. There’s a small table in here too, it matches the beige walls, I’m sitting here writing at it now actually, hell – it even came with two peices of paper and a pencil. Two things they wouldn’t let within a thousand yards of my room upstairs. I even noticed the orderlies get away with keeping pens in thier shirt pockets down here. Odd that they would ever allow me, a criminal and murderer by their words, _down here-. I am sure there’s a secret reason. Maybe it’s because it’s because they’re not getting into my head as well as they’d like – I’ve barely spoken to my Doctor, and I know what they’re after. They want my secret, well I won’t give it to them; not now, not yet, not ever.

I have a room-mate down here, well I did for a couple of hours anyhow. He was the first person they introduced me too. A real big guy, hairy too – well hairy chested anyhow – he is bald on top. I thought for a minute they were just going to have the ape ravage me, kill me for not sharing my secrets or something, but after introductions the guy was actually nice, and not after me at all, well, I thought. Turns out he’s something of a conniver, hides cigarettes in the air vent, even keeps a razor-blade in his waistband and under the bed. Which is weird, why would he need a razor in a room he keeps to himself? And in the non-violent ward no less? I knew better than to trust him, clearly he was working for them after all – he just had yet to reveal himself.

So we chatted, well he chatted, I sort of grunted my way through the conversation. I started opening up to him a little – pretending to let my guard down really. Then the room inspections started – he began to freak out because of his smokes and razor. So I tested him, I conned him into handing the small rectangle blade over to me – I slipped it into my dressing, the orderlies tend to leave my leg dressing alone since I keep picking the wound to reopen it. I think it grosses them out and they don’t want to deal with it during simple searches. Good thing too, they didn’t find the blade. The cigarettes I was amazed, they didn’t even seem to care about when they spotted thme on the desk I’m writing at now. I guess we can “earn privledges here” and apparently indoor air acts are overlooked here? I’m betting it is a sign of my roomie being “paid off” and given special treatment considering he was probably just waiting to kill me in my sleep – or make it look like I did myself in.

Eventually the searches came to an end though – nothing major happened for a while. I chatted with my roomie about the food they serve on this floor, a real buffet, he calls it. I tried to warn him that they slip pills in our foods – they’re just trying to poison us, but he just scoffed and said it was normal “cause we all need to take our pills”. I didn’t buy it then, I don’t buy it now – I didn’t mind letting him know I preferred to snack on the bugs I’d find upstairs. That seemed to bother him, I just smiled – he wouldn’t ever get to see me indulge in that trick anyhow – this floor is surprisingly clean compared to my inquisitors suit upstairs. Another reason they might have moved me now that I think about it – to force me into starvation or eating thier poisoned food!

The cafeteria was very, well, high school-ish. I was pretty surprised by all the patients on this level. Alot of older men, interestingly, some fat women too. I was relived – usually when I enter large areas I get “that feeling”, where I can “feel” them watching. I didn’t in here – not right away. Until I saw another new patient, I could tell she was new because of the chatter in the room discussing her, it happened as soon as I laid my eyes on her. I could feel the mist inside me start roiling – I could tell she was just what I feared I’d find in Bishops Gate – she was one of them. I’m ashamed to admit, I panicked. My heart started racing but I repressed the urge to run from her or beat her to a pulp for daring to be so open and obvious about her association with the dark ones. Not that she was behaving obviously, but everyone here should know – I can feel them when they’re not hiding – I froe wondering why they’d reveal her to me. In my panic I just started shivering and felt like I might even pass out – I didn’t though my hair is still wet from the shower they made me take after pissing myself on the spot. Better that than to actually act out on my anger though, that’s obviously what they wanted.

It took almost an hour for me to be “settled down”. Since I didn’t actually act out the orderlies and charge nurse just made me wash up and take a seat in the cafeteria. My room-mate joined me, I became certain around then that he is working for them despite my attempts to trust him. I could tell because he just kept bringing her up – talking like he wanted a peice of her ass, or to bang her till her eyes bled. I knew it was just a cover though – he was obviously just trying to guage my reactions, get a glimpse of what made me tick. I couldn’t help it though after enough of his proding jests I caved and fell into conversation about the new girl. I tried explaining that I could sense her as being special like Lydia or that demon I killed that landed me in here. I didn’t mind telling him I couldn’t tell which she was – Angel or Sinner – but I could feel her power none-the-less.

_More to come...


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